Application for dating...

APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER

NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage and current medical report from your doctor.

Name_______________________Date of Birth_____________________________

Height_____________Weight______________IQ____________GPA_____________

Social Security #___________________Driver's License #_______________

Boy Scout Rank and Badges____________________________________________

Home Address___________________City/State______________ZIP___________

Do you have parents? ____Yes_______No
Is one male and the other female?______Yes________No
If no, explain:______________________________________________________
Number of year they have been married________________________________
If less than your age, explain:______________________________________


ACCESSORIES SECTION:
A. Do you own or have access to a van?_____Yes_____No
B. A truck with oversized tires?____Yes______No
C. A waterbed?_____Yes_____No
D. A pickup with a mattress in the back?_____Yes______No
E. A tattoo?_____Yes______No
F. Do you have an earring, nose ring, pierced tongue/cheek or belly button ring?
_____Yes______No

(IF YOU ANSWERED "YES" TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY. I SUGGEST RUNNING)


ESSAY SECTION:
In 50 words or less, what does "LATE" mean to you?


In 50 words or less, what does "DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER" mean to you?


In 50 words or less, what does "ABSTINENCE" mean to you?


REFERENCES SECTION:
Church you attend________________________
How often you attend_____________________
When would be the best time to interview your:
Father?_____________
Mother?_____________
Pastor?_____________


SHORT ANSWER SECTION:

A. If I were shot, the last place I would want to be shot would be:_______________
B. If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:_____________________
C. A woman's place is in the:_____________________________________________________
D. The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:________________
E. What do you want to do IF you grow up?_________________________________________
F. When I meet a girl, the first thing I always notice about her is:______________
G. What is the current going rate of a hotel room?________________________________


I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENATLY OF DEATH AND DISMEMBERMENT.

_________________________________________
(Applicant's Signature (that means you, moron!)

_________________________________________
(Mother's and Father's Signatures)

_________________________________________
(Pastor/Priest/Rabbi/State Representative's Signatures)

Thank you for your interest. Please allow four to six years for processing. To prepare yourself, start studying "Daddy's Rules for Dating."


DADDY'S RULES FOR DATING

#1. If you pull into my driveway and honk, you'd better be delivering a package because you're sure not picking anything up.

#2. You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off my daugher, I will remove them.

#3. I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

#4. I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "Barrier Method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier and I will kill you.

#5. It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

#6. I have no doubt that you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as longs as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date on one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

#7. As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

#8. The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is dancing, holding hands or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirt, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka, zipped up to her throat. Movies with stong romantic themes or sexual themes are to be avoided but ones that feature chain saws are ok. Hockey games are ok, but old folks' homes are better.

#9. Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged dimwitted has-been, but on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

#10. Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull in the driveway, you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car. There is no need to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.