Henny Youngman quotes

• My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

• My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.

• She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.

• The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.

• A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.

• I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.

• I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

• I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.

• I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.

• You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.