One-liners

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.

Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.

           

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.

A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

The sole purpose of a child's middle name, is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

        

We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.