Clever quotes...

Quotable quotes...

Quotes...

"Women are like cell phones. They like to be held and talked to, but push the wrong button, and you'll be disconnected."---Unknown

"People like you are the reason people like me take pills!"---Neva Faith Linn

"When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun.'"---Unknown

"There are two different kinds of people in this world: those who finish what they start, and"---Brad Ramsey

"Life was so much easier when your clothes didn't match and boys had cooties!"---Unknown

"Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."---Oscar Wilde

"A man may be a fool and not know it, but not if he is married."---H.L. Mencken

"The reason grandchildren and grandparents get along so well is because they have a common enemy."---Unknown

"Reality is a hallucination brought on by lack of alcohol."---Unknown

"Love makes the world go round? Not at all. Whiskey makes it go round twice as fast."---Compton Mackenzie

"The truth is that parents are not really interested in justice. They just want quiet."---Bill Cosby

"You've reached middle age when all you exercise is caution."---Unknown

"Some people are alive only because it is illegal to kill them."---Unknown

"When a husband brings his wife flowers for no reason, there's a reason."---Molly McGee

"Nothing in the world is friendlier than a wet dog."---Unknown

"Nothing is so embarrassing as watching someone do something that you said couldn't be done."---Sam Ewing

"A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water."---Unknown

"If you think something small can't make a difference, try going to sleep with a mosquito in the room."---Unknown

"A father is someone who carries pictures where his money used to be."---Unknown

"A bargain is something you cannot use at a price you cannot resist."---Unknown

"Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked."---Kimberly Broyles

"If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?"---Unknown

"I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours."---Jerome K. Jerome

"The best time to give advice to your children is while they're still young enough to believe you know what you're talking about."---Unknown

"Bad luck is bending over to pick up a four-leaf clover and being infected by poison ivy."---Unknown

"English is a funny language--that explains why we park our car on the driveway and drive our car on the parkway."---Mark Grasso

"Even more exasperating than the guy who thinks he knows it all is the one who really does."---Al Bernstein

"If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then give up. There's no use in being a damn fool about it."---W.C. Fields

"It's a strange world of language in which skating on thin ice can get you into hot water."---Franklin P. Jones

Great lines...

• The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on. - Robert Bloch
• Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils ... - Louis Hector Berlioz
• The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not. - Mark Twain
• When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car.
• Behind every successful man is a surprised woman. - Maryon Pearson
• Men are like bank accounts. Without a lot of money they don't generate a lot of interest.
• Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?

Yogi Berra quotes...

• A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore.
• Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
• Baseball is ninety percent mental and the other half is physical.
• Congratulations. I knew the record would stand until it was broken.
• Half the lies they tell about me aren't true.
• I never said most of the things I said.
• If people don't want to come out to the ball park, nobody's gonna stop 'em.
• If you come to a fork in the road, take it.
• It ain't the heat, it's the humility.
• It was impossible to get a conversation going, everybody was talking too much.
• The future ain't what it used to be.
• Nobody goes there anymore. It's too crowded.
• You can observe a lot by just watching.

Groucho Marx Quotes...

Groucho Marx:
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.-

Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy. -

Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse. -

All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats. -

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot. -

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it. -

Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough. -

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members. -

I must confess, I was born at a very early age. -

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it. -

I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30. -

I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it. -

I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt. -

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. -

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution? -

I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty. -

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies. -

Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted. -

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made. -

I intend to live forever, or die trying-