Jimmy Kimmel at the White Correspondents Dinner

One-liners

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.

Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.

           

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.

A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

The sole purpose of a child's middle name, is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

        

We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

Ain't love grand?

What are you lookin' at, old man?

It’s All About Point of View

It’s All About Point of View

By: Ophelia Payne (View Profile)

HER DIARY:

Tonight I thought he was acting weird. We’d made plans to meet at a bar and have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, and I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment.

Our conversation wasn’t flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed but he remained quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong; he said nothing was wrong. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry. On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can’t explain his behavior. I don’t know why he didn’t say “I love you too.” When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched TV. He seemed distant and absent. Finally, I decided to go to bed. About ten minutes later he came to bed and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep—I cried. I don’t know what to do. I’m almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.

My life is a disaster.

HIS DIARY:

I shot the worst round of golf in my life today, but at least I got laid.

Dumb Jokes Song

I'm a sucker for dumb jokes...

What a great joke!

Seeing-eye dogs

There were two buddies one with a Doberman Pinscher and the other with a Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says to his friend, “Let’s go over to that restaurant and get something to eat.”

The guy with the Chihuahua says, “We can’t go in there. We’ve got dogs with us.”The buddy with the Doberman Pinscher says, “Just follow my lead.” They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pinscher puts on a pair of dark glasses, and he starts to walk in. The bouncer at the door says, “Sorry, mac, no pets allowed.” The man with the Doberman Pinscher says, “You don’t understand. This is my seeing-eye dog.” The bouncer says, “A Doberman Pinscher?” He says, “Yes, they’re using them now, they’re very good.” The man at the door says, “Come on in.”

The buddy with the Chihuahua figures, “What the heck,” so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in. Once again the bouncer says, “Sorry, pal, no pets allowed.” The guy with the Chihuahua says, “You don’t understand. This is my seeing-eye dog.” The bouncer at the door says, “A Chihuahua?”

The man with the Chihuahua says, “A Chihuahua??? They gave me a Chihuahua?!”

One-liners (w/ a few 2-liners)

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.

Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.

A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

The sole purpose of a child's middle name, is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often.

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

A few dry jokes...

1. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Amal.' The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan'. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
2. There's two fish in a tank, and one says "How do you drive this thing?"
3. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
4. When Susan's boyfriend proposed marriage to her she said: "I love the simple things in life, but I don't want one of them for my husband".
5. "My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that."
6. I once called the phone company, I said, "I want to report a nuisance caller", they said "Not you again".
7. I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.
8. A pair of jumper cables walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything"

10 just plain silly jokes...

1. A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!" The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you."

2. "I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a shitzu."

3. "Dyslexic man walks into a bra"

4. A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"

5. A classic Tommy Cooper gag "I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays", was fifth.

6. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other one off.

7. Two aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married. The ceremony was rubbish - but the reception was brilliant.

8. Another one was: Doc, I can't stop singing the 'Green Green Grass of Home'. He said: 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?'I asked. 'It's not unusual' he replied.

9. I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.

10. A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road."

Understanding Engineers...

A priest, an ophthalmologist, and an engineer were golfing one morning behind a particularly slow group of golfers.

The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys?

We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"

The doctor chimed in,

"I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"

The priest said,

"Here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him."

He said, "Hello, George. What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year,

so we let them play for free anytime."

The group fell silent for a moment. Then the priest said,

"That's so sad. I think I'll say a special prayer for them."

The ophthalmologist added, "Good idea. And maybe I could examine them to see if there's anything I can do for them."

They were silent for a moment.

Then the engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

Having Mom over for Dinner

HAVING MOM OVER FOR DINNER

You don't even have to be a mother to enjoy this one...

Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but notice how beautiful Brian's roommate Jennifer was. Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of the platonic relationship between Brian and Jennifer, and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Jennifer than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, 'I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Jennifer and I are just roommates.'

About a week later, Jennifer came to Brian saying, 'Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?'

Brian said, 'Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure.. So he sat down and wrote:

__________________________________________________________

Dear Mom,

I'm not saying that you 'did' take the gravy ladle from the house,

I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the gravy ladle. But the fact

remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for

dinner.

Love, Brian

__________________________________________________________

Several days later, Brian received an email back from his mother that read:

____________________________________________________

Dear Son,

I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Jennifer, I'm not saying

that you 'do not' sleep with Jennifer. But the fact remains that if

Jennifer is sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.

Love, Mom

Some of My Favorite One Liners

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.

Fighting for peace is like f*****g for virginity.

I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

If winning isn't everything why do they keep score?

This girl rang me up one time, she says "come over, nobody is home", I went over, no one was home!

Depression is just anger without enthusiasm.

The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

Before you insult a man, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when you insult him, you'll be a mile away, and have his shoes.

We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling.

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

Lawyer joke...

A guy is visiting San Francisco, and walks into a small store in

Chinatown.

He notices a small bronze statue of a rat.

He asks the owner "how much", and the owner replies "$50 for the bronze

rat, and $1000 for the story behind it".

The guy says, "forget the story", and buys the rat.

As he's walking down the street he notices two live rats following him.

As he continues to walk, more rats start following him.

He starts to get a little concerned, and heads for the waterfront. By

the time he gets there there are thousands and thousands of rats

following him.

He walks up to the end of the pier and throws the bronze rat into the

bay, and the rats all follow and leap off of the pier and drown.

The guy rushes back to the store and walks in. The owner says, "Ah!, so

your back for the story".

The guys says, "no, I was wondering if you have any bronze lawyers?"

A Short Love Story

A SHORT LOVE STORY

A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were
both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the
same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room,
they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the
upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman
saying,.......... 'Ma'am,

I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into
the closet to get me a second blanket? I’m awfully cold.'

'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight,...... let's
pretend that we're married.'

'Wow!...................... That's a great idea!', he exclaimed.

'Good,' she replied. .............'Get your own f*ing blanket.'

After a moment of silence, ......................he farted.

The End

A few classic corny jokes...

1. I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a shitzu.
2. Dyslexic man walks into a bra
3. I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.
4. My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked.
5. There's two fish in a tank, and one says "How do you drive this thing?"
6. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
7. My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.
8. A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, "Is this some kind of joke?"
9. I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.
10. I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
11. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

Pun intended...

Men are like that, you know...

A man wanted to get married.

He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each
woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total makeover.
She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys
several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him
that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him
so much.

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy
the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for
his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she
tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so
much.

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the
stock market She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his
$5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that
she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time
about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.




Then he married the one with the biggest boobs.
Men are like that, you know.

thanks Ed

Great one-liners from Stewart Francis

I LOL'd at quite a few of these!